If you want to create change as a leader, watch out for this word

To all the managers, leaders, owners, and operators:

Telling your employees they need to be more positive doesn’t work. 

Telling your team they need to be more productive doesn’t work either. 

In fact, telling your friends, family, etc. that they need to be something other than who they are being, also doesn’t work. 

Because the truth is:

No one needs to be anything other than who they are. 

It’s the neediness that gets you into trouble; the demand, the requirement, and the want for others to behave in a way that satisfies our own need. It doesn’t mean you don’t have good intentions, but where the intention comes from is the cause of the problem. Whether you’re trying to meet a demand from a boss, an expectation from a client, or satisfy the request of a family member, the person on the other side of the table isn’t connected to the end result.

They’re good. They’re fine. 

When you meet someone in conversation (especially confrontation) needing something from them, the neediness pushes them away. It immediately creates a defensive front - a wall between you and them. You are no longer entering into an open dialogue, but rather a game of defence as your own guard is put up in response. All hope of listening, hearing, and understanding one another is lost. 

Asking someone to change their behaviour because we need them to does not lead to the change we are seeking. And it is especially a poor piece of feedback to provide to your team, employee, partner, etc. It leaves the other side feeling inadequate, judged.

It breaks the bond of trust that takes time to build but can be broken in an instant. 

Instead, start by checking-in:

Why do you need them to be different to start with?

What is the source of your intention?

Be clear on why you need it and who it is going to benefit. 

If a shift in behaviour could help the person sitting across from you, put yourself in their shoes. Will this change lead to more success in their role, in their lives? If so, what does success mean to them? I suspect it’ll mean something different to every person that you ask… 

Frame the conversation on ways you can help them take a step closer to their definition of success, positivity, or productivity. Collaborate on an outcome that would benefit the whole.

Lead with compassion. Listen with compassion. 

Because, you’re good. 

You need nothing.

And neither do they.

Kirsten Schmidtke is a professional coach, creator, and lover of lake life. She works with leaders, creators, and entrepreneurs to help them up-level their careers, businesses, and lives. Are you ready to explore what’s possible for you? Contact Kirsten to start the conversation!

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