Why you'll never build confidence if you fake it 'til you make it

Let’s talk confidence:

that elusive quality that we are seeking more of but hold ourselves back from obtaining. We admire it in others but underestimate its ability to manifest in ourselves. Somewhere along the line, did we simply miss the invitation to the confidence club? Or is it a birthright we weren’t privileged enough to receive?

Early in my career, my manager told me in a one-on-one: “You need to be more confident”.

My role was in sales; a job I ended up holding and succeeding in for over 12 years. The feedback though clear and to the point, offered no context or coaching. A sales role requires you to develop and strengthen customer relationships; your title of Account Manager/Executive captures the responsibility of owning, managing, and strategizing on behalf of your employer and customer at all times. In order to grow relationships, conversations are crucial. And obviously I wasn’t doing a good job of executing them. Naturally, that sentence led me down the opposite path of confidence…

Our confidence is often shaken when we face something unfamiliar:

a new role, a new responsibility, a new project. We question our integrity and fall on the phrase ‘fake it ‘til you make it’. The problem is, when we aren’t acting in alignment and authenticity it shows.

It shows up on the inside as a spiral of self-doubt, questioning our capabilities, and focusing on negative thoughts that further diminish our confidence - an essential component to our personal and professional development and success. If you find yourself operating at a deficit, wondering if confidence is simply not available to you, it could be time to get back into training. Back to connecting with yourself, being in integrity, and taking inspired action. After all,

Confidence can be created.

It is sourced and cultivated from within you and can be built and strengthened over time with intention and commitment. It is nurtured by having deep trust in yourself which leads to an unwavering belief in yourself. It requires you to stop ruminating, to get out of your thinking, and to let go of external expectations. It demands that you re-connect with who you are and stand in your integrity, values, and who you are being.

“Confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and working towards goals that come from your own values and needs, goals that aren’t determined by society.”

- Caroline Miller, psychologist

It is the opposite of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ - an approach that damages our confidence by putting our integrity in doubt in an effort to be liked and a need for external validation - two flimsy commodities that leave you with no foundation.

What if you released the need to be liked and instead focused on your personal integrity?

What would it feel like if you stood in your authenticity and showed up as your full self? A liberating idea that took me out of falling victim to my circumstances, and allowed me to feel empowered to build confidence knowing I already had everything inside of me to do it. The first step to building confidence isn’t trying to model yourself after someone else, but rather shifting your focus to you; what is inside of you. Trusting yourself, your intuition, your abilities.

Building alignment and trust in yourself opens up space, choice, and creativity to take action; the next step in building confidence.

What often holds us back from building confidence is choosing not to try. When we stay close to what’s familiar, we choose not to explore what’s on the other side, we are closing ourselves off from confidence. We are keeping ourselves from trying new things, looking at problems in new ways, sharing our ideas out loud or offering an alternative point of view.

What if you made a different choice? What if instead, you chose to act?

Taking action is the very antidote to imposter syndrome and key to creating confidence.

One microstep forward can cure hours of ruminating thoughts.

When you choose not to take action, you give into negative thoughts that create limitations around what you can or can’t do; you start to believe those limitations to be real and you are no further ahead.

When you choose to take action, you embrace risk as a method for learning, you seek challenges as a means of growing, you enjoy experimenting rather than controlling.

When you take action in alignment with yourself and your integrity, your ability to build confidence increases dramatically.

If you feel your confidence wavering, don’t step outside of yourself but check-in with yourself. Take action that leads to:

Progress over perfection.

Experimentation over control.

Integrity over likeability.

And when in doubt, act.

Kirsten Schmidtke is a professional coach, speaker, and lover of lake life. She works with leaders, creators, and entrepreneurs to help them up-level their careers, businesses, and lives. Are you ready to explore what’s possible for you? Contact Kirsten to start the conversation!